Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
