wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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