I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My balls are so social today.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
