Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
COCAINE IS GR8
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
