I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here