I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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