Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
two words...techno handjob
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
