I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
