only if we run a train.
done.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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