I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize