i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You are the jesus of drinking
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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