He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
