omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
