Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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