***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
