I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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