maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
