If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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