I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
