it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
we're chasing vodka with high fives
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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