I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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