awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
