i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
