she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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