you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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