Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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