You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
