Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
