I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
