when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
