so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
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mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
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Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize