I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
