Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
