I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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