Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
