How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
