you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
