glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
