I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
