tell your sister to shave her snatch
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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