I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
