i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
