he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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