When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
