I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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