rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
