..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
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Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
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You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.