hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
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Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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