I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
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Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
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When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.