woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
