The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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