Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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