I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
