The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
