Barsexuality is the new black.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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