umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
