all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
A bitchslap is in order.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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