Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
