Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
