i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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