I wish they made helmets for livers.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
